Back on Track

First, a quick look at where I'm at:

I joined a gym upon my return to San Antonio, frustrated at my lack of progress last semester. It has lots of group classes, which I attend pretty regularly. Zumba, cycling, yogilates, ab classes, the works. I also do cardio and weights on my own time, and one a week meet with a personal trainer for 30 minutes to make certain I am getting really put through my paces at least once per week. On a bad week, I am working out about 5 hours in total. On a standard week, I'd say it's 8-10. On a good week, 15.

So, working out is going pretty well. I'm already building strength, making improvements in my assisted pull-up, and I was able to follow along with the entire cycling routine on Friday. I didn't go full out with some of the resistance, but I did all of the stands and hovers, and all of the speedwork, and made some effort with the resistance.


Food is where I am still struggling. I am getting in nutrients here and there- I finally got a decent blender, and have made smoothies on several occasions. I have also been using my Starbucks gift card left over from who knows when to get smoothies occasionally after workouts. But all in all, it's been pretty sad.

To that end, I decided today to pick back up with my food journal. After logging my morning meals, I decided to take a look back at that solid month of journaling I did last summer, when I was really making an effort food-wise.

It is astonishing how little food the human body can function on, when it is the right kind. I was eating small meals, or maybe even large snacks, 3-5 times a day, with one larger indulgence every couple of days. If I combine that type of eating with the working out I am doing now, I will see results. No two ways around it.

I've been self-sabotaging for so long, grumbling that the major things I ate during that period were Trader Joe's products that I can't get here- ww pita pockets, TJs hummus, and TJs vanilla Greek yogurt. No other hummus or yogurt is that good, and good luck finding any pita, much less mini pita pockets. Well, you know what? I can pretend. Whole Foods  had some whole wheat pita pockets (full sized) the other day, and I grabbed some. I have tahini and everything I need to make my own hummus, and there are decent brands out there. And I can just suck it up and eat a different yogurt. There is an intriguing option in the vanilla skyr they sell at Whole Foods, and I do hear good things about Fage. I can even try getting plain Greek yogurt and mixing in vanilla bean paste on my own.

And I need to stop fearing the pasta. Yes, white cheddar sauce on ww pasta isn't as high on the nutritional scale as one of the salads on Oh She Glows, or even a bean burrito. But a reasonably sized portion of that (and when I was having them on a semi-regular basis, I was eating very reasonable portion sizes) is worlds better than giving in to a binge on white cheddar popcorn, or eating half of a pizza in one sitting. Same with the whole wheat tortellini with olive oil. Continue to work to diversify, but don't fear the pasta.

But if I'm really not feeling the bean and cheese plate, which I haven't been lately, I can certainly switch it up with a bowl of Kashi or a green smoothie. No need to make it uncomfortable.

First Thing

This is the second time this week that I have done my run first thing in the morning, and I think it is agreeing with me. Today's run included two bursts of 3 minutes of running, and I actually pulled it off. I played music for both of them, otherwise running in silence, and the first two minutes passed pretty quickly. I definitely felt my lungs a little in the last minute each time, but considering that it is twice the length of time I have run before, I'm calling it good.

Form felt pretty good. I noticed that when I made a conscious effort to speed up my foot-turnover, a little pain started creeping back into my Achilles area. So I eased off a little bit, and it went away again. Again, had a few moments where it all felt right and natural.

My main problem now is that it is freezing cold in my apartment (southern Texas has finally recognized that it is indeed November), so I have absolutely no inclination to go get on my bike or do any homework (even though I have a space heater set up next to my desk). I just want to snuggle under my covers and watch Tony-centric episodes of NCIS. But I promised myself that the DVDs would only be viewed from the bike, and I've already cheated and watched 2 episodes from my nest, so I should really cut it out.

So, in short, it's a very good thing that I just went out and got in my run this morning (it was actually almost noon, but that's beside the point). I got it out of the way before I could come up with excuses not to.

Perfection

An amazing thing happened about 10 days ago.

I decided to stop feeling guilty about eating junk food, and just subscribe to Michael Pollan's idea: you can have as much junk food as you want, you just have to make it yourself. I promptly made myself some cookie dough, as I often do. Usually, an entire (half-recipe) batch is gone within about 24 hours. Not good. And I feel guilty from the moment I think of making it to well after I have finished scraping the bowl.

This time, it lasted almost a week. I could go snag a bite or two whenever I wanted to, no strings attached. Most of the time, that more than took the edge off of the sugar craving, and I wandered away, or ate some beans if I was actually hungry.


I also decided that going completely whole hog with vegetables and One Hundred Percent Mega Nutritional Meals Only was not really working about, and I didn't want to spend time in my kitchen. In addition to working harder to keep my kitchen a physically inviting space, I also decided to focus on just getting in there and cooking most meals, regardless of their nutrients. Making alfredo sauce on pasta, or buttermilk pancakes, or what have you, is going to be a sight better than nuking some pizza rolls or filling up on cookie dough because I just want out of that darn kitchen. 

And then I started making reasonably healthy things, based on craving alone. Sun-dried tomato pesto on whole wheat bowtie pasta. Falafel (I think this is the best batch I've ever made!!). Peanut-sauce tofu and quinoa.


Once I took the pressure off of myself to be immediately perfect, I started improving! I've still got a long way to go, but I've already lost two pounds this week. So something is starting to work.

The Check Out Line

Generally, I feel moderately okay to moderately shameful/guilty when I am checking out at the grocery store. Moderately good: canned beans, Lean Cuisine, skim milk, whole wheat tortellini, and maybe something naughty. Moderately shameful/guilty: several naughty items (white cheddar popcorn, chocolate, pizza rolls, ice cream, etc.), and maybe something "healthy" like a Lean Cuisine.

I have read on multiple occasions about how we have an incorrect idea of what eating healthy is in the US- Lean Cuisines and 100-calorie packs and lowfat options for everything. I don't think that we necessarily need to completely cut out those things, and they have their place in a healthy diet, but I agree- eating those alone is not a truly healthy, nutritious diet.

Today, though, today I felt great. This entire weekend is going to be thunderstorms in my part of Texas, so I ran out to Whole Foods to restock before the roads flooded (they like to do that here. Today, I also learned that my "safe" alternate route, the freeway, also floods! Good to know). I didn't really notice until I was checking out, but I had solely awesome goodies in my basket. I felt so proud to lay out my stash- a bunch of bananas, baby spinach, two packs of extra firm tofu, a little bit of garam masala from the bulk bins, adzuki beans from bulk, black rice from bulk, raw cashew pieces from bulk, Greek yogurt (2 plain, 2 vanilla), and gluten-free multi-grain penne. Grains, beans, nuts, tofu, yogurt, and fresh produce. I feel like such a health nut vegetarian! Which is, of course, the goal.

I'm trying to focus in on the really positive and really negative feelings various types of eating provoke lately. Yes, I always feel really happy and good when I am making, and even eating my white cheddar sauce on whole wheat penne. But I always feel ill afterwards. I am testing out some GF pasta this week, to see if that is the culprit. When I was eating nothing but beans, yogurt, and whole grains during the summer, I felt ecstatic working out, practically getting giddy when I surged forward in a resistance exercise. Now, I feel weak and shaky early on in a workout. On the more mental side, I generally feel ashamed and guilty when I am at the grocery store, especially lately, but then today I felt so proud and special!

One of the things I have learned in my quest to kick my eating disorder is that there are two major aspects: changing habits (what you physically do) and changing mindsets (how you feel about what you do and don't do, why you do what you physically do). Changing habits is going to be making food substitutions, writing about why I want to binge instead of bingeing (is it actually binging? That sounds like it should be pronounced Bing-Ing, but it's all my spell-check is offering...), riding my bike instead of snacking while I watch TV. Changing my mindset is going to be about focusing in on these good feelings, until they become the norm and the craving, not the exciting exception.

So, what have I learned about what makes me feel good in the check out line? Whole foods, natural fuel for the body. Ingredients for a recipe, not a list of ingredients in and of themselves. I like that the yogurt was the most packaged, processed thing on the belt. I love that I had fresh produce. I love that I had uncooked beans. And tofu just always sends a good message.

Things to know for the future.

Too Many Cooks

When I started getting serious about turning my health around, I started hitting the books, and more specifically, the blogs, like crazy. I read and read and read and collected tips and made lists of foods to get and routines to start. I gradually filtered my way down to what I follow on a regular basis. Out went a lot of larger, less targeted places, like AOL Health, and even Shape Magazine, and now I always get a little bummed out on weekends because Emily and Angela take the weekends off. I also love Matt over at NoMeatAthlete.

Though there are individual differences, overall these three sites provide me with relatively similar overall health schemes. Something I've started to figure out over the past few months is, I really shouldn't delve any deeper than that right now. As you start delving deeper, you start getting more and more contradictory evidence. How much protein do you really need? Are grains and beans superfoods, or are they slowly killing you? Fruit- yes or no? Everyone has scientific evidence up the wahzoo about why their set-up is best. Everyone has anecdotes and the very compelling story of their own personal enlightenment.

I know of two quick-loss diets with very similar concepts. Stick with veggies and protein most of the time, and occasionally splurge on what you want. In one plan, it's at dinner, in the other, it's one day a week. Both forbid fruit except during the splurges. However, one expressly forbids beans but highly encourages dairy. The other expressly forbids dairy but insists it will never work without beans. At one point early in the summer, I literally wandered around my kitchen starving for three hours because I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to be eating. I don't actually remember what I ended up having, but I'm fairly certain it was in violation of both.

Even though I haven't properly stuck to either- one of my favorite No-Starchy-Grains Diet meals is beans and cheese, which has a strike against it in either column- I have felt a little guilty for months every time I have a grain. There is the little voice somewhere wondering if I shouldn't be having it, because it will slow down my weight loss.

Yes, I would love for the pounds to just fall off. There was a brief glorious period in the summer of 2009 when I dropped about 25 pounds practically without thinking about it. Every single morning, I would excitedly rush to the scale and see at least 1, often 2 or 3 pounds off the previous day. I've isolated everything I can think of about that month, and tried to recreate it, and so far, nada. Can't repeat it. I've just come to realize in the past day or so that that drop in 2009 brought me to a state of equilibrium. At the amount I eat, the quality of what I eat, and the amount of exercise I get, this is where I stay pretty darn consistently. It oscillates by about 5-8 pounds depending on how good or bad I am being month to month, but it has not strayed from the same 10-pound range (think 0-10, 10-20, 20-30, 130-140) in two years, save for a few precious days when it dipped down into the 9.5s of the next 10-range, on a few occasions.

To be accurate, I actually realized the equilibrium factor over a year ago. Where I am really going with this is that in the past day I have realized that quick change probably isn't really an option right now. I need to work with what I have to get what I want. One of the things I have right now is a fondness for whole grains and beans, and a distaste for most fruits and vegetables. I am working steadily to improve my palate for the fruits and veggies, but I'm not going to turn up my nose at nutrient-dense grains and beans that have been sustaining highly active and healthy populations for millenia if I know I'm not going to be replacing it with produce.

I'm going to stop delving deeper, and just enjoy my two blogs that I know and love. A few years down the road, when it is a lifestyle and not a goal/transition, I would love to start looking into raw veganism and the "fruitarian" 80-10-10 thing discussed on NoMeatAthlete today. But if I do it now, I either won't eat, or I'll end up self-destructing, figuring that I can't win in any case, so might as well eat junk that I know is junk. I'm going to read NoMeatAthlete a little more carefully for right now, since he discusses and sometimes espouses a lot of the more intense options. I need to stop confusing myself. I need to get to the point where I'm addicted to how good I feel physically (and emotionally) when I treat my body right. Right now, I love how that feels, but I'm addicted to the emotional feeling I get from stuffing my face with things I know are bad for me. So I'm not going to worry about what The Ultimate Best Way to treat my body is. I'm just going to focus on treating it a lot better.

Binge Danger Zones

This morning I made a sort of mash-up between the Healthy Spelt Pancakes for One and the Spiced Up and Stacked Pancakes by OhSheGlows, which I've been wanting to do for a while. Basically, unsweetened almond milk, whole wheat flour, and some spices. I barely made it halfway through, and these are supposed to be single serving. Just dense, perhaps? I alternated between two different syrups. One, my perennial favorite, standard thick sugary syrup. The other, I decided to dress up some pure maple syrup with some PB2. I'm not a huge fan yet of pure maple syrup on its own, but once I let these two combine, it was magic. Any thoughts on how maple syrup would fare on a hot skillet? Because I feel like this combo would be a wonderful marinade for my sauteed tofu.

As I said, I've been wanting to make these for several weeks, but I've been putting it off because, no matter how healthy they might actually be, it's hard to feel like I'm staying on track when I'm eating pancakes! But this morning, I decided they might actually be a proactive, preventative necessity. I've got some extended periods to myself coming up for the next few days, that I have known about for some time. All week, as they approached, I found that little voice in the back of my head excitedly planning all of the uninterrupted bingeing I could do. Some of this is latent habit- in previous times of living with people, I have always taken "advantage" of large chunks of solitude, because I don't have to worry about hiding my food. [A key part of binge eating, by the way- shame about eating, so you eat in secret, hidden places. You know when you take a candy bar or cookie into a bathroom stall that you have a problem] I also have had the binge urge creeping up a lot in the past week or so. I slightly gave into it over the weekend, when I talked a friend into making a whole batch of cookie dough, but I didn't go whole hog. I ate to the point of feeling uncomfortable, yes, but then I stopped. Normally, I go through about three cycles of eating to the point of serious discomfort, waiting about ten minutes until it fades, and then re-gorging to discomfort, etc. etc. So, perhaps this was a mini-binge? Or maybe this was just they way normal people overeat. That would be exciting.

So the pancakes this morning were to feel indulgent and maybe even a bit naughty, but while still being healthy. Hopefully, this will help me hold off a run to the local grocery later today. I'm also considering finally having some Top Ramen again- this is one of my biggest comfort foods (only Oriental flavor, eaten chopped up and scooped onto Wheat Thins), but is pretty much nothing but empty carbs. And if I'm not going to give up grain carbs like all of the weight loss programs suggest, then I at least need to be eating whole grain carbs. But maybe, when I'm in such a vulnerable state, eating unhealthy but portion-controlled will be the key? Or should I try powering through on just super healthy stuff? I'm worried about that backfiring right now. It hasn't been a problem for the past month, but I'm worried about getting to my last alone session and panicking over the end of a chance to eat poorly and loading up on cake and chips in one huge binge session.

Still working on that.

Cheat Days- The Dilemma

I am running into a problem with my cheat days. You are supposed to allow yourself one a week, under pretty much any reasonable eating plan. In times past, I would usually be on the eating plan for maybe a day, then suddenly give into temptation and call it my cheat day, then never really get back on the plan. This time, I'm sticking to the plan. But I keep putting off the cheat day.

Maybe my problem is I'm not sure if I'm on the plan enough to warrant it. I allow myself some popcorn and peanut M&Ms when I go to the movies. We ate out one night, and I got a four-cheese pasta dish. I'm eating reasonable portions of all of this, and I can tell I am already starting to slim down, but is it enough for a cheat day? The nutritional science would seem to indicate that one pizza in an otherwise healthy and properly portioned diet doesn't affect the body much- it's the repeated consumption in a relatively short space, or a bad diet over time. I have fallen to both such habits in the past. I think I'm dealing with a slight fear of the cheat day. What if it wipes out my gains of the past week? After all, doesn't every little bit this week add up to a gain or loss next week? Alternately, the fear of repeating previous failures. What if it signals the end of the diet to my habit-trained brain?

I think maybe I'm still working through the ideas of how I eat while I'm still trying to get to my healthy weight versus how I hope to eat for the rest of my life. I think right now, I'm eating in maintenance mode, not loss mode. Now, of course, because I'm "maintaining" a smaller figure, I am still losing weight, just at a different rate.

I guess it comes down to this: as long as my diet is clean, healthy, and properly proportioned all around, is it better to allow myself small regular indulgences, as they come up and at my discretion, or one scheduled day of guilt-free indulgence to look forward to on a weekly basis?

The Inaugural Green Monster

I JUST HAD MY FIRST GREEN MONSTER!!!! The most basic one, just chia, spinach, banana, almond milk, and ice. It was absolutely terrifying- I actually made my mom come and make it with me because I was wigging out about it so much. We only made a half recipe, and then we split that, but that's still more spinach than my body has seen in... pretty much ever.

In other news:

On the sad side: my go-to decently healthy ballpark meal is not being served this year, I found out this afternoon. I liked to get the little microwave things of brown rice and put teriyaki sauce on it. In the future I should be able to work around this sad development by bringing in my own sauce (probably Emily's healthy peanut sauce, since teriyaki sauce might infringe upon the no-liquids/beverages rule), because a different Asian place finally offers brown rice this year, but only plain soy sauce. I cannot abide plain soy sauce.

On the happy side: We unexpectedly got out of the Mariners game in time to hit Superfit, so I jumped headfirst back into working out! Wasn't expecting to start until Friday. Hurriedly located my workout clothing in my as-of-yet unpacked suitcases, went, and nearly killed myself. It was awesome. We started out with mat abs, which is always the scariest, and he had us doing a round of minute long holds: static leg raise, side bridges on both sides, static push-ups, regular forearm bridge. He told us the 30 and 45 second marks and said we could stop at those if we needed. I probably should have, and will regret my decision tomorrow, but I somehow managed to eek out the full minute each time. Which of course shocked my little out-of-shape body and it wasn't the happiest for the rest of the time, but I managed. Doing interval bursts at level 17 on the elliptical during one cardio break probably didn't help either. But instead of progressing up to medium and heavy weights, I stayed at light weight for all three sets. I need to be able to move on Friday when I go back in!


But main point being: I just had my first Green Monster, people. This is highly momentous. My plan is to try and have them at least three times a week (likely as a pre-workout drink, maybe an hour before? Thoughts on the timing of that?). I'm actually really excited to try the Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Bomb one and the Pumpkin Pie Protein Power one. The regular one was good, and is probably the one I will drink the most of, long-haul, but my mental game is still pretty shaky with regard to vegetables, so I think smoothing the way with chocolate and peanut butter is wise.

Home Again

I'm back, and it's time to kick this into high gear. I decided while in Iceland to dedicate my summer to two goals that I have had for a long long time: finish my writing, and get healthy/in shape.

Opening Stats:
Weight: 166.8 
   This is not as much of a net gain as I was worrying I would find upon my return from Paris. Accounting for general weight fluctuations, I estimate between 5-10lbs. I was starting to dip below 160 right before I left for Paris, but it wasn't consistent yet.  
Resting Heart Rate: 93 bpm
   Probably not an entirely accurate number, since I've been up, walking and eating and drinking ice water, for over an hour, and of course because I took it with my fingertips on my wrist, not with a sensor. But it seems about right.
Pant Size: Generous 14
   Bleck. At least I haven't popped back up into a size 16 like that one horrible two month period back in 2009. But closer to moving up a size than moving down a size.


Ultimate Goal Stats:
Weight: 130 and fit
Resting Heart Rate: 60 bpm
Pant Size: 6


First Goalpost Stats:   For June 15, 2011 (two weeks from now)
Weight: 158
Resting Heart Rate: 90
Pant Size: 12


Other Stats I Would Like to Collect:
Heart rate after a 10-minute mile
Heart rate after an 8-minute mile
Time to run a mile with a heart rate under 166 (apparently my target long-distance heart rate)
Body fat percentages
Inches measurements


This morning has started out much as I want most mornings to. I've been planning this for months, since relatively early on in Paris, so it was exciting to finally do it.

1. The first thing in my body was a glass of wonderfully cold water from the fridge filter. At some point ideally I will be able to add in a little lemon juice, because the alkalizing effect on the body and liver and what have you is suppose to be very healthy and excellent for the metabolism. But the cold water itself isn't too shabby! 
2. Second thing in the body is a source of healthy fats, which helps to keep the glycemic index from spiking throughout the day, and especially throughout the immediately following meal. Again, good for health and metabolism. I've been choosing nuts, though this morning, sadly, all I could find in the house were walnuts- definitely not my favorites. They are kind of waxy and look like brains. But I chowed down on a large one anyway, and I'll just make sure we get some almonds and maybe some cashews in the house when my mom and I go grocery shopping this weekend. 
3. Third thing: a properly portioned meal of protein without any grain or starch-type carbs. This morning, I tried out a small plate of vegetarian refried beans with some Cougar Gold melted over the top. It was incredible. I tried the beans and cheese thing once up in Scotland, after a particularly long hike, and it was fine but nothing exciting. I was using a little single-serving tin of spicy vegetarian refried beans, and some shredded mozzarella. Fine, but definitely something I was eating because it was good for me and palatable, not because it was yummy. This morning, highly yummy. Cougar Gold kind of rocks my world. Breakfast was warm and tangy and oh-so-flavorful. Plus, you know, good for me. I saw Trainer Bob talk about using your fists to gage the proper portion size for your carbs and proteins in a meal, so I spooned a slightly generous single fist onto my plate. I'm thinking now that since I'm not including carbs, I should probably allow the full meal serving of two fists, because it seems to have stimulated my appetite rather than sated it. Probably having a small handful of almonds instead of one walnut will help, and maybe I'll make it the serving size I would have if I had normal sized hands (mine aren't bizarrely small, but they are often as small or smaller than the hands of those ridiculously petite and small-boned girls we all know. I am not one of these girls). 

Some things to add to this morning:

1. Interval runs up my hill. I live at the base of an extremely steep hill. I want to do speed bursts up this hill 3 times, multiple times a week, waiting for my heart rate to subside a bit before charging up again. Studies show that going absolutely all out for short intervals and then taking decent rest periods in between is just as, if not more effective than consistent medium effort at building endurance and burning calories. This should aid both parts of my goal this summer- endurance for getting healthy (and that hike), and extra calorie burn for losing weight and shaping up. 
2. Vegetables. I want to aggressively attack my problem with vegetables this summer. I tried zucchini in Scotland, and I've been lightly poking around spinach and broccoli for a while now. I want to go full force with spinach- Green Monsters and baked spinach everywhere you look! Also really excited to try kale chips, and I've got my mom on board, so it's happening. 
3. Lemons in my water, green tea, water bottle, etc. I want to be so hydrated it is crazy. Lemons in the water and green tea both have positive effects on the metabolism, and I'd like a dedicated water bottle that I can carry with my everywhere. But for this morning, lugging around a little glass on a coaster will suffice. 
4. Some additional form of exercise: yoga, push-up routine, AbRipperX, etc. What this is will largely depend on how recently we worked what at SuperFit. e.g. If it is the morning after a day of mat abs, AbRipperX would be both painful and counterproductive. But if I know we are on a schedule of only working the chest on Mondays, and it's Thursday, then a push-up routine would fit in nicely and not jeopardize my ability to do well in Superfit the next day. I suspect yoga videos that stream on Netflix and free ones from the yoga download site place will make frequent appearances. 

I know this seems like a lot. And it is. But I think it needs to be. I'm so sick and tired of feeling run down and yucky. I want to run my darn marathon. I want to knock somebody's socks off in a bikini. I have no job or internship this summer- this is my work. I will write, and I will shrink my size and lengthen my life. This is my job this summer. And hopefully in going about it, I will build some life-long habits that will make this a permanent change. 

I Don't Want to be Ruled by my Food

I suffer from binge eating disorder. Have I ever mentioned that? I haven't gone back to check, but I rather doubt it. I've only ever told a few people in my life, when I decided to seek treatment. I never fully beat it, though, as my time was cut short by summer vacation, and I just never went back.

Take right now, for instance. You know how all of those "stop emotional eating" articles say that cravings go away after 10-20 minutes? I've been battling an insane craving for chips and chocolate (pretty much my go-to binge for several years now, though certainly not the only one) for hours now. Not because I keep myself from having grease or chocolate- I caved an ordered a pizza last night, and pretty much live on Nutella. And I'm actually doing better on social/emotional fronts, so it's not entirely emotional eating, either. I think a lot of it has to do with my pending vacation to Greece, where I know I will be sitting around in a bikini. Just another overweight American wearing far less than they should in Europe. Oh joy. Focusing on the fact that I am overweight just tends to lead to behaviors that continue to make/keep me overweight.

With this particular binge, I can tell that one of two things is going to happen: I'm going to hold out until the stores close (and they close early in this country), and feel a little bit virtuous but mainly denied, or I'm going to give in shortly and go down to the store and stock up. This will lead to elation, guilt, shame, feelings of being gross, feelings of pleasure, happiness that I indulged myself, and disgust that I gave in and am once again stuffing my face.

I have to say, the later is sounding more and more like the possibility. I'm getting really cranky.

I really hate this. I am a smart person. With drinking, smoking, it is so easy not to start. And whenever I think of someone who is hooked on drugs or hooked on anything else like that, I think, why don't they just go cold turkey? Why don't they just... not go for the bad stuff anymore? Yes, there will be some cravings, but you know it is killing you/illegal/what not, so just... don't!

Isn't that hypocritical of me? Recent studies are showing that binge foods, particularly sugar, actually have the same addictive qualities as cocaine. And just not going for it? Not so much with the actually happening in my life!

There is something to be said for overall diet with regard to bingeing as well. [P.S. I can already tell I'm going to go get the chips. My heart rate is actually speeding up because the stores close in 45 minutes and every minute I spend on this blog post is getting me closer and closer to missing out on the stupid chips] When I'm eating healthier overall, I binge less. It doesn't cut it out, but it's there. When I'm living on whole grains and hummus and chia and beans and the like, I get really caught up mentally in eating super well, and binges happen with a startlingly lower frequency. They still definitely happen, but it at least gives me hope that when I get back into treatment in the fall (which I finally accepted that I really need to do just a week or so ago), I'll be able to sort of work off of that. If I can get to a place where I am bingeing less, maybe it will be easier to distinguish the exact cause of the bingeing, since it won't be muddled with mere habit and general poor eating habits.

And you want to know the weird part? When I'm not on a binge, I actually naturally feel full at small portions. People always think I don't like my food, when in reality, I have eaten to the point of fullness. Maybe it's just my body compensating, I don't know. It's not a mental thing, where I'm consciously trying to diet the rest of the time to compensate.

Who knows.

*insert swear word of choice*. I'm off to the store.

P.S. Could someone get on the food authority people to please come up with a better name than Binge Eating Disorder? It makes it sound like it's just a lack of willpower, and a gross one at that, rather than an actual disorder. And trust me, people, it is an eating disorder.

Zen in Paris

I have finally found my zen with my situation for the rest of the semester. I am not going to feel guilty about eating lots of bread. After all, in two months, I will no longer have fresh, truly French French bread 30 seconds from my house. I've also found teeny little single serving cans of lentils, and of spaghetti sauce, so I will just pop open a few of those each week to make sure I am getting in nutrients.

Upon my return to Seattle, I am going to distract myself from my breadless state by instead going full force with all of the foods I have been wanting to eat here. You know, foods that they don't sell here, or, most importantly, that REQUIRE A REFRIGERATOR. Never again. NEVER again will I live without a refrigerator. To put it succinctly, and a little crudely, it blows.

Spring (and practically summer) has finally come to Paris, and with it my last excuse for not getting out and running has flown the coop. My little sleeveless workout shirt is going to do just fine. And I saw someone out in Vibrams (probably a tourist, but still), so I know that it isn't unheard of here. Plus, it is light so much later! Until 9pm, basically, and it's only going to keep getting lighter.

I have been consistent at doing push-ups, though I have fallen off the schedule. Now that I've switched to really truly proper form, with my chest between my hands, it is SO MUCH HARDER. I think I need to accept the inevitable and start the 6-Week program over, at whatever level I am at with the truly proper form.

Walking more now that I have flats, randomly doing walking lunges and ab workouts in my room. It's getting alittle harder to get in all of my water now that it is getting warmer (and this room refuses to let out heat), but it's going pretty well, all in all.

Still, need to make a point to start sharing the brie with other people, so I don't go through an entire wedge by myself in one hour....

Pink, Glorious Pink

My new inspiration:

I WANT THESE SO MUCH

These are the pink-and-black Vibram FiveFingers Treksport (no affiliate link here, they are just awesome). They are like my basic KSOs, but a little more specific to trail running. 

More importantly, they are pink. 

These are my new inspiration. I can't talk myself or my parents into springing for these ($100) if I'm not an avid trail runner. Therefore I must become one. Therefore I must run.

They make me SO HAPPY. I just get a total buzz from looking at them. I kept popping up to look at pictures of them during my push-up regimen today, to power me through the last few sets. Hey, whatever it takes, right?

On that note, I'm pretty proud of my push-ups today. I was still sore from last time, but I got down on the floor and pounded them out anyway. Strangely, the 4th push-up of each set was the hardest. Not the last one, not the second one, the fourth. Each time. But after the second set, the pain in my muscles went away temporarily! I think my muscles were too fatigued to even bother sending out pain signals. "Why bother, she's just going to keep doing this to us anyway. Let's save our energy...."(I imagine this in a little squeaky voice, but then, I am currently high on pink running shoes, so feel free to sidle away slowly).

Getting Back on Track... I think

Starting a habit of waking up earlier- it's going quite well thus far! Don't feel like I've had restful sleep the past few nights, but will work on that. Getting better food in me and more exertion out of me, as I am starting to do, should help. I also think I've gotten comfortable enough in the new room to keep it darker and my music quieter when I go to sleep.

Point being, getting up earlier is allowing me to do more productive things with my mornings. My current checklist items are:

• Eat a nutritious breakfast (generally my version of Vegan Overnight Oats)
• Study French (French homework, listening to French podcast, reading Harry Potter in French, flashcards, etc.)
• Small bit of organizing (wash dishes that soaked overnight, take down trash, make bed, clear desk, etc.)
• Small resistance workout of 10-20 minutes (alternating days of the "6 Weeks to 100 Push-ups" program and Ab-Ripper X from P90X)
• Write (character profiles, outlines, actual scenes)

Update on Food:
    I found the Whole Foods/Trader Joes here- Naturalia. It's really quite tiny, but so very well stocked! I was doing happy dances and trying so hard not to grab everything in sight. Finally found my red lentils, for that Indian Lentil Curry on NoMeatAthlete, some quinoa pasta (!!!), oats and almond milk for my overnight oats, and a few other items. I finally figured out that almond milk doesn't actually have to be refrigerated, and a whole new world of breakfast foods that I can make suddenly opened up. Overnight Oats! Breakfast Quinoa! Healthy pancakes!
    Trying my first week of Meal Planning. Overnight Oats most mornings, and last night I made a wonderful peanut sauce that I had over green lentils and brown rice. Planning on doing that again tonight/soon for lunch, and also a small meal of one of my various healthy pastas with tomato sauce. I have a slight obsession with healthy pastas, it would appear. First, I couldn't find any whole wheat pasta, so I grabbed penne made out of vegetables. Then, I found whole wheat penne. I figured, why not have both! And then, as previously mentioned, I picked up some quinoa penne. At least I could have made one of them a rotini... I'm set to break into my white beans tomorrow.

My Vegan Overnight Oats:

• Approx. 1/3 cup oats
• Approx. 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
• Hefty dash of vanilla extract
• Approx. 1 tsp of chia, maybe a tad more
• Shake or two of cinnamon (can you tell I have no measuring instruments?)
• Tiny sprinkle of salt
• Somewhere between 1 tsp and 1 tbsp of brown cane sugar

Mix all dry ingredients except sugar, then pour in milk and vanilla. Stir. Let sit for 30 minutes to overnight. Stir in sugar when almost set, or at least 30 minutes prior to consumption. Enjoy!

Update on Resistance Work:
    The level of effort I go to in order to avoid my common area is both ridiculous and impressive. So, as you can imagine, the P90X is not so much with the happening. I have restarted the Push-Up regimen, however, and while it is difficult as all get out, I'm so much better than I was when I started the first time. The first time around, I could barely eek out 4 good-form girl push-ups and thus started on the absolute base level. This time, I gussied up and tried the second level, and actually managed to complete it, though my breaks between the last few sets were more around the 2-minute mark. And since you are supposed to take days of rest in between for both it and the Ab-Ripper X, I'm alternating them as part of the morning routine. It's something that is actually working for me at my current level of dedication. They say that will-power is like a muscle- it's not a matter of either having it or not, it's a matter of working to build it up. So small, compact things that I can do first thing in the morning, without getting into my workout gear, without having to have a perfectly clear floor or shift furniture (which I had to do to complete P90X in this tiny room), removes pretty much all of my carefully constructed excuses. Once I prove to myself that I can stick with something on my own steam, I can start to build up. At this small of a requirement, I will feel like an absolute idiot for not doing it. Progress!

Update on Running:
    I have read so much about running in the past few days- and done precisely none of it. As I start classes near the Luxembourg Gardens tomorrow, I'm trying to work out some way that I can pack my running gear, then change after classes, go for a loop, and walk back home. My only thorn with this problem is figuring out where I would leave my other clothing, school supplies, and purse. Maybe one of my housemates will have the same time schedule as me, and would be willing to take it back with them?

Silly Ideas and Smart Thinking

At some point I need to stop reading new nutrition and exercise books. Very reasonable-sounding programs start to contradict each other, and now I've been up three hours and still can't decide what to eat.

This entire week at Superfit we've been doing "rapid fire." This means that, instead of the usual circuit of 4 resistance exercises and 3 minutes on cardio, rinse, repeat, we've done the entire cycle of 12-15 exercises around the room without stopping, going medium weight, heavy weight, ultra-heavy weight, then 10 minutes on cardio. KILLER. Everyone hates rapid fire, but part of the beauty of Superfit is that everyone is in there slogging along together, so we all gripe and moan, and yet we all do it!

As I prepare to head back to non-Superfit land when vacation ends, I'm trying to figure out how to incorporate the best aspects of it into my training plan away from home.

1. I'm thinking that one of the keys is the accountability aspect. They expect me to show up three days a week, and they'll call me out (and sometimes actually call me) if I start slacking. So, work-out partner? Or at least an accountability buddy. 
2. Once I get in, I just put my head down and pound it out until the hour is done. No slacking. I know when I walk in the door that I'm going to kill it and it's going to be awesome. Walking in the door of a regular gym with no pseudo-personal trainer waiting? I might do a pretty respectable job, but it will never reach the same level. So, guided things, perhaps. iPod downloads? Workout videos? Convincing aforementioned work-out partner/accountability buddy to act as a trainer, with the favor reciprocated? With a set time limit or workout goal, so I can't bug out early.
3. Going to the point of fatigue, or at least only a few reps away from it. Working out a different muscle, and then going back to the first. Generally, when I'm doing something by myself, I call it good the second I can feel the muscle. Which is totally bugging out. 

I think this all comes down to the fact that I need someone else calling the shots. If someone tells me to do it, I'll go all out. But it doesn't work as well when I tell me to do it. This is something to work on, obviously. I imagine most of the marathon training, even with a running buddy and maybe even a coach, is going to have to come from within. But for now, it's good to acknowledge my workout weaknesses and come up with some fixes. 

Re-remembered an old favorite blog, and found a new one. Thought I'd share:

No Meat Athlete (the rediscovered)

Daily Garnish

Both of these blogs focus on vegetarian food, and running. The No Meat Athlete guy has started running ultras (the ultimate goal!), and the Daily Garnish lady is a trained vegetarian chef, so you know the food is good! Highly recommend them, along with the aforementioned Oh She Glows and Eating Bird Food.

First Musings on Inspiration

Starting to readjust to my circuit training, after almost two weeks back on it. I've found that getting really pumped and mentally in the game before I walk in, often through a conscious effort, helps me to really get all I can get out of the workout. Obviously, just going through the paces is a whole lot better than not going in even if I'm not bringing my A-game, but why not always bring said game? I'm paying for it, I might as well get all I can get!

Sometimes just having a really happy daydream going on works- my best workout ever came when I spent most of my time imagining winning an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Yesterday, I was fresh from starting Apolo Ohno's book Zero Regrets: Be Greater Than Yesterday. I am only about halfway through, but it is very inspiring (which seems to be rather the point). Oddly, though, what really got me going was not from a part I have reached yet. The only season of Dancing with the Stars I ever watched was the season he won, and I suddenly remembered all of the effort he put into nailing the jump in the paso double. The next thing I knew, I was pounding out lat pulldowns like nobody's business. So, good find.

I've been eating smart today. I kinda screwed around a little the past few days, but today I've been solid. Breakfast was a mix of Kashi Go Lean! and Kashi Go Lean! Crunch (regular has more fiber and protein, Crunch is tastier and has more whole grains), with skim milk and a healthy serving of chia mixed in. Lunch I had to do on the go, so I packed two slices of sharp cheddar, some reduced fat Triscuits, and a handful of almonds in a plastic baggy, all consumed with some ice water. And then dinner was a quick but tasty affair- a bowl full of quinoa, heated, with teriyaki sauce and chia. It's the first time I've tried teriyaki sauce with something other than rice, and I have to tell you, quinoa and teriyaki sauce work wonderfully together. I'm still perfecting my own teriyaki recipe, so for now I just buy bottles of it from my favorite local teriyaki restaurant. NOT the nasty stuff you can buy in glass bottles in stores. I don't know what that stuff even is, but it is not teriyaki sauce, I promise you. I don't care what the label says.

Talk to you soon! And Merry Christmas*!!



*I'm a huge Christmas person, but I have no wish to offend. So if you want a shout-out for other occasions, hit me up in the comments! I'll gladly wish y'all a Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Random Government Holiday in December, Happy Stare Dramatically Off Into the Distance Day, or whatever else your heart desires (within the bounds of propriety, of course!!).