I Don't Want to be Ruled by my Food

I suffer from binge eating disorder. Have I ever mentioned that? I haven't gone back to check, but I rather doubt it. I've only ever told a few people in my life, when I decided to seek treatment. I never fully beat it, though, as my time was cut short by summer vacation, and I just never went back.

Take right now, for instance. You know how all of those "stop emotional eating" articles say that cravings go away after 10-20 minutes? I've been battling an insane craving for chips and chocolate (pretty much my go-to binge for several years now, though certainly not the only one) for hours now. Not because I keep myself from having grease or chocolate- I caved an ordered a pizza last night, and pretty much live on Nutella. And I'm actually doing better on social/emotional fronts, so it's not entirely emotional eating, either. I think a lot of it has to do with my pending vacation to Greece, where I know I will be sitting around in a bikini. Just another overweight American wearing far less than they should in Europe. Oh joy. Focusing on the fact that I am overweight just tends to lead to behaviors that continue to make/keep me overweight.

With this particular binge, I can tell that one of two things is going to happen: I'm going to hold out until the stores close (and they close early in this country), and feel a little bit virtuous but mainly denied, or I'm going to give in shortly and go down to the store and stock up. This will lead to elation, guilt, shame, feelings of being gross, feelings of pleasure, happiness that I indulged myself, and disgust that I gave in and am once again stuffing my face.

I have to say, the later is sounding more and more like the possibility. I'm getting really cranky.

I really hate this. I am a smart person. With drinking, smoking, it is so easy not to start. And whenever I think of someone who is hooked on drugs or hooked on anything else like that, I think, why don't they just go cold turkey? Why don't they just... not go for the bad stuff anymore? Yes, there will be some cravings, but you know it is killing you/illegal/what not, so just... don't!

Isn't that hypocritical of me? Recent studies are showing that binge foods, particularly sugar, actually have the same addictive qualities as cocaine. And just not going for it? Not so much with the actually happening in my life!

There is something to be said for overall diet with regard to bingeing as well. [P.S. I can already tell I'm going to go get the chips. My heart rate is actually speeding up because the stores close in 45 minutes and every minute I spend on this blog post is getting me closer and closer to missing out on the stupid chips] When I'm eating healthier overall, I binge less. It doesn't cut it out, but it's there. When I'm living on whole grains and hummus and chia and beans and the like, I get really caught up mentally in eating super well, and binges happen with a startlingly lower frequency. They still definitely happen, but it at least gives me hope that when I get back into treatment in the fall (which I finally accepted that I really need to do just a week or so ago), I'll be able to sort of work off of that. If I can get to a place where I am bingeing less, maybe it will be easier to distinguish the exact cause of the bingeing, since it won't be muddled with mere habit and general poor eating habits.

And you want to know the weird part? When I'm not on a binge, I actually naturally feel full at small portions. People always think I don't like my food, when in reality, I have eaten to the point of fullness. Maybe it's just my body compensating, I don't know. It's not a mental thing, where I'm consciously trying to diet the rest of the time to compensate.

Who knows.

*insert swear word of choice*. I'm off to the store.

P.S. Could someone get on the food authority people to please come up with a better name than Binge Eating Disorder? It makes it sound like it's just a lack of willpower, and a gross one at that, rather than an actual disorder. And trust me, people, it is an eating disorder.

Zen in Paris

I have finally found my zen with my situation for the rest of the semester. I am not going to feel guilty about eating lots of bread. After all, in two months, I will no longer have fresh, truly French French bread 30 seconds from my house. I've also found teeny little single serving cans of lentils, and of spaghetti sauce, so I will just pop open a few of those each week to make sure I am getting in nutrients.

Upon my return to Seattle, I am going to distract myself from my breadless state by instead going full force with all of the foods I have been wanting to eat here. You know, foods that they don't sell here, or, most importantly, that REQUIRE A REFRIGERATOR. Never again. NEVER again will I live without a refrigerator. To put it succinctly, and a little crudely, it blows.

Spring (and practically summer) has finally come to Paris, and with it my last excuse for not getting out and running has flown the coop. My little sleeveless workout shirt is going to do just fine. And I saw someone out in Vibrams (probably a tourist, but still), so I know that it isn't unheard of here. Plus, it is light so much later! Until 9pm, basically, and it's only going to keep getting lighter.

I have been consistent at doing push-ups, though I have fallen off the schedule. Now that I've switched to really truly proper form, with my chest between my hands, it is SO MUCH HARDER. I think I need to accept the inevitable and start the 6-Week program over, at whatever level I am at with the truly proper form.

Walking more now that I have flats, randomly doing walking lunges and ab workouts in my room. It's getting alittle harder to get in all of my water now that it is getting warmer (and this room refuses to let out heat), but it's going pretty well, all in all.

Still, need to make a point to start sharing the brie with other people, so I don't go through an entire wedge by myself in one hour....

Parisian Growing Pains

I found all of the runners! They are in the Luxembourg Gardens (Jardins du Luxembourg, je crois). And the walk there would be a good warm up- especially necessary given the near-freezing weather currently, and the less-than-cozy nature of my Vibram Five-Finger KSOs! Also my lack of warm workout gear.

Definitely slacked off after day 3 of P90X. Haven't done a single one since. Owning up to it here, and now not going to bash myself about it any more, but rather use this wide open Sunday to get back on track.

Still taking the stairs at all opportunity. When taken just on my toes, I'm actually starting to notice a definite improvement in my stamina! However, when I use my entire foot, I am definitely still feeling it. Taking stairs in 3-4 inch stilettos, when you put weight on the entire foot, really activates that hamstrings, but not in the slightest at the expense of also working quads or glutes. Basically, everything from the knees to the chest goes into hyperdrive. So, yeah, still feeling that. But it's only two weeks into the daily multiple hikes, so I'm optimistic about where I'll be by the time I go home. Maybe even by the time it's warm enough for regular outdoor jogging! I should just lady up and go out and do it anyway...

Food is still a problem here, but I'm starting to feel my way a bit more. Made up a batch of unflavored chia gel, which I'm taking regular spoonfuls of, plus eating a handful of almonds each day. So that's a little whole food back on the menu. I've also noticed that they don't refrigerate their eggs here, so I could pick some up, and some salt and pepper, and at the very least start doing scrambled eggs, if not also adding some cheese and spinach for some basic omelets. If I can locate some vegan marshmallows, I might also do a few nights of candied yams. I'm pretty sure I've seen yams/sweet potatoes in the stores. And that doesn't require refrigeration. And finally, I'm regaining a little tenuous control over gorging on chips and Mars Bars in an attempt to feed myself with familiar food. It's only been a few days, so no happy dancing yet, but each day counts!

Vacation Wins and Woes

On my annual Christmas vacation right now, and actually got in a workout yesterday. I've been making a point to take the stairs, and we've done a fair amount of walking, but yesterday I actually hit up the hotel gym for about 40 minutes. Went on the treadmill for about 12 minutes, and spent probably close to three actually moving at around 7 miles an hour. I don't think I was properly running, more like light quick jogging, but the fact that I kept it up for almost three minutes is actually quite a victory. I guess all of those times I walked up the gigantic escalator at Tenleytown in Washington DC this fall actually paid off!

From the treadmill I rotated immediately to the recumbent stationary bike, set on level 6 "Hill" for 12 minutes, and then went hard on the elliptical for 12 minutes. Finished it up with some lat pulldowns, tricep dips, and a killer 80 second wall-sit, then the family came and fetched me for lunch.

It's been hard to eat properly here. I was just getting on a huge semi-raw, highly nutritious food kick, and there's not much here that fits that bill. If I was being very very good, I would have ordered the roasted vegetable appetizer at Pavz instead of the focaccia with dipping oil, but I'm just not that into veggies yet. Working on it, but not there yet. As it stands, I'd much rather leave the roasted veggies for places I can go anytime, like Macaroni's Grill or whatever it is called, and get what I really want the few times a year I can get to Pavz. It seems mentally healthier, if not physically. Had lots of salsa at the Mexican restaurant a few nights ago, and was happily working my way through my mom's rice and beans, when I suddenly realized that these beans might have lard in them. I never did ask, but I should. I need to start checking that at Mexican restaurants the same way I check about fish sauce in peanut sauce and sweet chile sauce at Thai restaurants (one of my absolute favorite meals is to go to a really good Thai restaurant and get the deep-fried tofu with sweet chile sauce for dipping, and brown rice and peanut sauce).

I'm making an effort at breakfast, though. I'm not going for veggie-filled omelettes, which would probably be the best choice, but the first morning I had a slice of their whole-grain bread, toasted, with a small serving of peanut butter, and the past two mornings I have gone for oatmeal. Granted, it is instant oatmeal of the Maple and Brown Sugar variety, but it's better than heading for the cinnamon rolls!

Tried to order P90X off of eBay, but after I paid eBay removed the listing, and the seller won't get back to me, so I'm starting to suspect he stole my money and ran. I'm going to get it back, but it's still irksome. It looks like I'll have to be a good girl and actually order it from the website. Don't know if I've mentioned this, but I'm planning on using it this next semester in France in order to a) not die when I return to Superfit in the summer, b) finally shave off the weight, in time to do some replacement clothes shopping in Paris!, and c) get into shape for the bridesmaid hike this summer. And I'll finally be able to do big girl push-ups. I'm excited. I've got to figure, if I can put myself through the full P90X, I can put myself through marathon training.

Over and out, y'all.